i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
