it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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