Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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