you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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