if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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