ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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