Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
