sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
