there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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