wrigley field is MILF paradise
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
