Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
