Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Why is your signature on my underwear?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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