I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
