I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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