Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
