Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
