last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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