if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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