How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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