so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
