Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
