So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
