That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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