She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
