I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
