Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
