he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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