piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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