Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
