quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
