trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
