I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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