i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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