I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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