have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
