How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
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I want to be your penis for a week.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.