can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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