When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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