i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
