I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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