so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
