Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
