Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
