Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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