I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You're like the curious george of whores
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
