I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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