i would punch a child for taco bell
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
