We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Randomize
