Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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