dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
two words: eviction party
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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