I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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