I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
