Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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