my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
