I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
