i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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