I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
