It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
