Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
