Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
